Sunday, June 8, 2014 @ 11:22 PM
I've slowly came to accept the fact that I'll always feel uncomfortable in church. I feel Him during P&W; I understand Him through the words of the pastor; I love how His presence overwhelms me every time I pray. As I type this, my heart pounds in my chest and I can't help but wonder whether this is due to excitement or fear. Or both. But is it possible that one will never belong in a church? I think it is. I feel like I'm floating on the surface of every conversation I share with the people there. A sense of dissociation from the rest. A sense of urgency to leave when the service is over. It often puzzles me as to why people hang around after church to mingle with each other. Is it purely because they enjoy the company of other churchgoers? Do people discuss the sermon after service and their thoughts about it? Or do they always judge the newcomer like, "Oh, my God... Did you see what she wore just now? I know, right... To church! Goodness." How off-putting.
I realised I have the ability to leave. Yea, an ability. Like a skill, much to my wow. I didn't know it meant something until I found out people around me actually had difficulties doing it. Leaving something, someone, somewhere. It doesn't affect me to leave anything behind. And I always left without notice, which apparently was really cruel according to some friends as it showed a lack of accountability (sorry, didn't know). Is it an advantage to feel absolutely nothing at all when I leave my loved ones behind? Is it because I'm so used to leaving until I am desensitised by the act of it? Sometimes, I think that I look forward way too much. Like I am too focused with what's ahead of me to look back and see what I've left behind. Literally me living the phrase of "no turning back". It really astounds me as to nothing can be strong enough to hold me back, to make me miss it, to cause me to stay. How would I feel if I was left behind? I don't know.
The consequence of constant leaving is probably the feeling of dissociation, then. I leave before I can be connected to a person. Or the church, in this case. If it doesn't feel right, I leave. If it's affecting me, I leave. If I need change, I leave. It's so easy for me to leave until now I think it's so cowardly to do so even though I always strive to work things out and make the situation better. Wait, do I really think it's cowardly? Is it?
The thing is, leaving something behind makes me search for something better. And this newfound hope is enough to drive me. I think I just found another issue - the feeling of dissatisfaction. I get bored easily with what I get/have achieved although I might appreciate it greatly. Which is probably why I leave without hesitation to find something new/better/more satisfying... Oh, Ru Min. What is this. *inserts annoyed emoji* (Or should I say dis, hurrr. I'm so funny.) Anyway, back to dissociation. I went to church today after months of absence. People seemed happy to bask in each other's company as well as God's presence. I felt so out of place as if my presence would disrupt their happy circle. Maybe that's why I like to leave fast. And also maybe that's why I don't have happy connections with church people. Happy connections. Church people. Wat.
I'm starting to annoy myself so I'll stop. Probs continue this personal reflection some other time. Oh, did I mention that we have to write up a reflection component for EVERY assignment we do in med so it'll train us to be a "reflective medical practitioner" in the future? LOLLL. Senti. Probs why I've been reflecting extra much these days, hahaha.
Okay, back to my endless assignments. Kill meee. #medlyfe #unilyfe #whateverlyfe #WHATLYFE #hashtags #why
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Whisk me away
Friday, May 23, 2014 @ 10:30 PM
We were celebrating our huge success. People were dancing and singing loudly around us, getting drunk. We were not. We joined the game of Truth or Dare. I picked "Dare" in the first round. I was afraid of my "Truth". My "Dare" was easy - all I had to do was take a few shots. God blessed me with high tolerance, thank You. They cheered me on as I took them. You watched. I felt weird, not from the alcohol but your intense gaze. What are you looking at?
I remembered the first time meeting you at the party with your friends. I just had a few drinks. I was pushed towards you by accident. You introduced yourself. I could not pronounce your name the way you did. I laughed at myself. You looked like a player. I did not think twice. I was high. Your existence escaped me until we went to our next social event. My friend was too drunk to function after we had pres at your place. She drew some vulgar images on your costume on the way to the event. We all laughed hysterically. Being a sensitive person, I caught your microexpression. You appeared disturbed for a brief moment but then laughed along quickly. I was puzzled. Players are supposed to be cool about these things, right? I kept a lookout for you. You are not what I have expected. I realised you are not a player. You seemed calm and collected among the other drunktards at the bar. You stood out. I was amused. I discovered that you do not drink. That came off attractive.
I watched you all the time. You are certainly not an alpha male but you have my attention. My friends do not understand why. Me neither. You are shy yet bold; reserved yet loud; conservative yet naughty - how is that even possible? And your passion. It burns in your eyes when I look at you. The heat irradiates when I am around you. I admire you a lot. You are so talented but humble. A real inspiration. Learning a little about you every time we meet is thrilling. Physique wise, you have really gorgeous eyes. An extremely ripped body. A rough complexion that I only realised when I stood next to you. Bad hair that I have grown to love.
I waved at you once when we bumped into each other in between classes. You walked right past me with your friends but you suddenly turned back and waved vigorously. You apologised and said you could not recognise me because I was wearing my glasses. I laughed. You are adorable. I still did not think much about you. We saw each other again later on and talked. We almost went for dinner together - just us, without the rest - but I pulled away. I said I had work to do. I was comfortable around you back then. You were just another friend I would love to add to my life. It is not the same now. I realised that I cannot deal with you after discovering your incredible qualities. I am not myself anymore. I stopped talking to you. I ignored your advances to make conversation. You stopped trying. I did not even try in the first place. We grew apart. Is it a shame?
I started feeling slightly tipsy. It was my turn again. I picked "Truth". You excused yourself for a moment. I received my question. Your name slipped. Do I regret it? No. You were not even there to hear. Your friends stared at me. I nodded like it was nothing. They were unconvinced. Days passed. The high is gone. We are sober again. We retreated back into our own lives. We meet up as a group sometimes. Your friends ask for confirmation every time. I deny it. You probably knew nothing of it. Or did they tell you what happened? My words are best assumed as another drunk confession. I was not thinking straight (I was). I was not sober (I was). It was not sincere (it was). You are better off left with uncertainties than knowing for sure. I do not cope well with heartfelt connections. I am not ready. Are you?
I hung out with one of our mutuals two days ago. The topic of you seeped into our conversation. I listened. He claimed that you are logical but insecure. "Insecure?" I asked. "Why?" "Because he does not want to be seen as a geeky guy." "Geeky? What the hell." I do not know which one surprised me more - the fact that you are insecure or the fact that you thought others saw you as a geek. I guess I could say everyone is insecure in their own way... But geeky? You? Not even close. Well, maybe you are but being a geek definitely does not reduce your attractiveness. You are such a good catch. You truly are.
To be honest, I dislike where this is going. I dreamt about you last night. I do not need this. It is unnecessary. Hell, I just dedicated a blog post to you. You should not have lit the fire in me. I should not have let you. I do not want to burn with your passion. I do not want to burn myself. No one likes getting hurt.
I want to be cold.
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Thursday, February 27, 2014 @ 11:02 PM
당신은 저를 떠났습니다...
내가 지금 무엇을해야합니까?
어떻게? 어떻게 어떻게? ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
I've always liked being alone but never have I ever felt lonely until now.
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Sunday, January 19, 2014 @ 7:42 PM
It doesn't make sense to feel this sad when my brother left for Melbourne. I mean, in a month, I'll be just a two-hour plane ride away from him in Sydney. I think maybe his departure brought upon us a heavier significance. He's the last child in our family and he just flew overseas to study. Our family is breaking apart. I know we are strong in family ties but the physical bonds between us will never be the same again. We may be home only once a year or maybe even none at all due to future work and assignments. And we might not even come home at the same time so it won't count as some sort of family reunion. Some time after, we'll settle down somewhere else and leave behind what was once our only home. The house will echo with only my parents' voices along with my grandpa's and the maid's but that's it. All youthfulness would have seeped away to some foreign land, leaving behind a lonely hum of silence in a house that might only become lively again on special occasions.
My parents are the greatest and most sacrificial people in the world, no joke. Although they may miss us dearly and feel lonely without us around, they don't mind us leaving them and obtaining a better life somewhere. I know most parents who are filthy rich and can easily send their kids overseas to study/learn some special skills but they'll definitely not let them stay there. They want them home by their side until they die. My dad thinks this is such a selfish act because of they tie their children down for their own happiness. They don't want to feel lonely so they'd rather deprive their kids of a possibly better life elsewhere than to let them go free. My parents want us to pursue our own life as long as we are happy. If we are contented, so are they. I think that was the most touching/selfless thing I've ever heard but I didn't express it because it's not really how I react to emotional stuff in our family.
My parents work extremely hard to support us so go screw yourself if you think/tell me that we get rich easily because of the job they do. Even if that's true, they have spent half their lives working hard to reach that position so if you think their job is easy, feel free to rot far away from us. I am sick of hearing such nonsense from some people. Unlike some families who have inherited wealth/land/some sort of valuable property from their ancestors, both my parents earned absolutely everything they own now from scratch. And yet they're willing to throw all their money away to us. My mum has never once bought anything branded in her life whereas my dad has never spent his money on any luxurious items till this day because they'd rather spend it on us. Every single cent is for us. A Chanel handbag, a Rolex watch, a BMW as some sort of reward for themselves for working so hard everyday? None. They believe all their money is our money. Money for our education, education and more education and perhaps a little bit left for us to buy stuff we like once in a while.
I know money can't buy love but the way my parents spend all their time just to make enough money to give us such a good life is enough to prove that yes, money can buy love if it is done right. I always feel wrong to study Medicine because just to study that is already so damn freaking expensive, let alone taking up that course in Australia. They can easily spend that amount of money on stuff they like as some sort of reward for working so bloody hard everyday or go on multiple vacations around the world to relax. But no. My dad rather drives his lousy ten-year-old van around that always breaks down than to even get a new car just to save money for my education. And my mum rarely spends money on luxurious clothes and expensive skincare products to pamper herself like most of my friends' mothers. Some people their age have already retired but not them because they need to pay for our education. As I type, my dad is still working his ass off just to cover my tuition fees, not to mention other expenses. I want to take up some cheaper and easier course but I know my parents won't allow me because they want me to have the best. They'd rather suffer first than I suffer later. Their selflessness is absurd.
I do believe that there's a possibility that my parents may not have a single cent left to enjoy life when they retire and I feel rotten about this because their whole life is just a series of work - work hard for a better life for themselves when young, work hard for a better life for children when old. My life goal is to return everything they've ever spent on me with interest and whatsoever as long as I am capable (I will make sure that I am) but what makes me feel extremely in debt to them is that I can never return them their wasted youth which was spent on us by working hard to support us.
I admit that I'm the most rebellious one in the family and perhaps the most disobedient/disrespectful one, too. I always will myself to mature faster in order to understand my parents better and to make their lives easier. I guess old habits die hard but I am trying everyday to put myself in their shoes and express love and gratitude more (although I'm not very good at doing so). I've never told them this in person (I don't think I ever will) but deep down, I vow that I will give them a smashingly fantastic life next time so that they won't regret putting so much of their time, effort and money in me. After all, it was them who gave me such a smashingly fantastic life first.
It's not even a day since he left but his absence is already anchoring deep and I feel empty without him. Sigh, I miss my brother.
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Monday, December 2, 2013 @ 11:37 AM
If I'm not mistaken, I saw you cry. It was just a shook of the shoulder during the video and then you stopped. I felt compelled to give you a hug but I guess I held back, knowing that you'll pull yourself together again just fine without the help of others. Life clearly goes on for you as you charge on with a steadfast mind and that same old responsible and firm attitude of yours. That's admirable because if it were me, I would have fallen so hard and grew comfortable of the ground and refuse to get back on my feet. People like you truly amaze me as you've been blessed with the ability to use God's strength in your favour. All I want to say is there's no harm in being vulnerable because vulnerability doesn't signify that you're weak and you clearly aren't because you come in the name of the Lord. I won't understand how it feels like but I'm sorry it happened and I hope it's God's way of showing you a bigger picture. You're one of the strongest person I know and that is enough to inspire many.
Anyway, it just occurred to me that I'm going for GY Camp today and I don't know how to feel about this. I haven't packed and they're leaving at like 4.30pm (going with the SPM kids 'cause I signed up late, haha). I heard that a lot of people I know aren't going and that's quite a bummer but hey, do it for Jesus, right? I don't know what to expect from camp this year but I hope something good comes out of it.
Okay, I think I should pack now lol.
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Monday, November 11, 2013 @ 11:30 PM
Warm my frigid soul on this cold summer's day.
Well, today was Physics. And I didn't finish my paper. Didn't finish for real - big questions, loads of marks. It wasn't like those times when I said I didn't finish but in actual fact, I did - I just didn't do some baby questions (because I didn't know how lol). Which is kind of a surprise I didn't finish but not really - a surprise because I normally finish my paper no matter what (AND THIS IS MY PRE-U FINALS, WHAT IF I CAN'T GET INTO UNI, OMG) and not really a surprise because I know deep down, I wasn't fully prepared. God is fair. This year is the year I finally break my (sort of) winning streak. I'll take whatever punishments.
I actually have a million and one problems but I don't know who to turn to. Okay, no. I know I have so many friends to turn to, some who'd even offer their listening ears without hesitation or second thoughts, to listen to my petty issues but then again, like I've said. Petty issues. Not so petty to me, actually, but may be petty to them because well... The problems aren't exactly theirs, right? Anyway, I think most of my friends have their own a million and one problems as well so I don't think they deserve to listen to my petty issues that might even add to their a million and one problems which they will then have two million and two problems including mine. God, that's a lot.
And yes, God. I miss You, God. We talk every morning once I wake up and every night before I go to bed but I feel like I've drifted from You, just like how I feel like I've drifted from most of my friends. I try to listen to P&W songs most of the time so I can still feel You; they make me so overwhelmingly joyful when I have a tough day. And they make me miss my church, too. I wonder how they're all doing. Probably swell with Your grace.
God, I'm actually scared to go home. I want to go home but I don't know where's home anymore. And they all have their own lives now. If I suddenly popped up, isn't it weird? I've been trying this whole year yet I still don't know what's best, God. I don't know whether I should keep myself from my friends since they have their own lives already or I should continue to try hard to ingrain myself in their lives.
This is one of my a million and one problems. When I try talking to old friends to see how they're doing, I feel like I'm interrupting their fabulous lives, like my role in them is finally over, like, "Why do you still talk to us when you clearly left us, geez. Just go talk to someone else." When I step aside to watch them carrying out their fabulous lives without me, some would say I've changed, I've become icy, arrogant and ignorant, and have clearly forgotten about old friends since I have gone elsewhere.
I'd rather retake exams than deal with this, honestly. It's hard and I'm so confused.
Someone must have forgotten to tell me the rules to play this game called life because I'm clearly missing something here. I don't know what to do now and I'm stuck. What move should I make now? Do I just continue on and roll the dice? Oh, it's your move now? What? The game is over? Nope, no one told me.
Wait till you go overseas. Distance does funny things to you. No matter how much social networking you do to keep in touch and how many "I'll be thinking of you!"s and "We'll always be here for you!"s you receive, you will still feel the lack of support from your family and the crumbling of invisible crutches previously provided by your friends for you to lean on.
Unless you've gone through all that, you won't understand. I'm positive. It's a weird as concept that I still haven't completely grasped yet. But if you know what I'm talking about, please tell me how you had solved the problem above. God, you can tell me, too.
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Friday, August 30, 2013 @ 11:25 PM
Student performance night had just ended and I was there, as usual, a part of the faceless crowd. Most of the performances were shitty and boring; no one except a few took their acts seriously. Perhaps they were nervous on stage but that's such a weak excuse. My mind drifted and I found myself staring at him. She was scratching and rubbing his back gently and he was clearly enjoying it. Amongst the beating of the drums and the off-key voices of the lead singer, that little scene in the dark captivated me.
It was all too familiar; it was as if I was him, and you were her. With every stroke of her hand, I felt the gentleness of your hand caressing my back, consoling me, comforting me. My heart swelled to the size of a football and for a moment there, I can't breathe. It beat faster than the pounding of the drums, twice as quick as the plucking of the electric guitar. Warmth flood all over me as I thought about you. I always think about you. Just last night, I thought how great it would feel to be embraced in your arms again. I remembered you were the last person I thought of at night before I went unconscious.
Few days ago, I woke up crying. I woke up from a dream, not a nightmare, but a dream because it wasn't scary or horrific. It was a sad and frustrating dream. I wonder whether such dreams exist, or whether I am supposed to feel like this with these sorts of dreams. And the first person I thought about was you. If only you were here to hug me tightly and rock me slowly in your arms, tell me softly that everything's going to be alright.
I always think about you. Whenever I'm alone, I can't help but think about you. Anywhere I go, something will surely remind me of you. What do you think about the weather today? Aren't those newly-bloomed cherry blossoms lovely? Would you like your gelato in a cone or in a cup? Do you think I should get this beanie or not? It's on sale.
But we spoke. In fact, just a few moments before the performance started. My heart remained cold when I heard your voice; it always does that although my skin burnt with the warmth in your voice. My replies were curt, blunt, tired. How are you? How was your day? What have you been up to lately? Simple words are the hardest to spit. Our conversation, as usual, didn't last long and ended on a bad note. I was left disappointed, not with you, but with myself.
"Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely." A famous quote positively received by everyone. But if I might add, true, being alone doesn't mean you're lonely, but it tends to get lonely after a while. You cannot be strong for too long, you cannot be alone for too long. You're made to connect, to feel, to love. Or else your insides will start eating you up, consuming your whole being, leaving you empty.
"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."
We've known each other for so long but I still don't know how to love you. Love you well, love you properly, love you like how you're supposed to be loved. I believe it's true that love requires courage, even if not in the most chivalrous forms but in simple daily actions such as asking about your well-being and apologising for my mistakes. I wish someone would provide classes to teach people how to treat your loved ones right and not take them for granted. I'd then attend those classes to learn how to love. I wish someone can teach me how to love, teach me how to speak with patience and kindness.
Your birthday is in five days. I thank God everyday for your existence and for your love - it is almost comparable to His. I don't think anyone can ever replace you in my life but those words will forever remain stuck in my throat, just like my feelings for you will forever remain stuck in my soul.
I miss you. Dearly. What happened to us?
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